An Open Letter To Governor Jerry Brown

August 24, 2012

Governor Jerry Brown
c/o State Capitol, Suite 1173
Sacramento, CA 95814

Dear Governor Brown:

Or can I call you Jerry? You seem like a pretty decent guy and a cool cat. I'm guessing that you, like me, are tired of this whole stuffy, Pomp and Circumstance crap that so often goes along with being Governor. We get it. You're the Governor, and that's awesome. But just judging by your character, I'm guessing that every now and then, you're just a regular guy that really wishes that folks would call you Jerry. Just, "Jerry."

So if you don't mind, I'm going to drop the decorum stuff and heretofore refer to you as Jerry. Thanks in advance for understanding.

The reason that I'm writing to you is because I'd really like it if you'd come to my birthday party next year. I know, I know. This is already taking a turn towards some creepy, 12 year old delusion/pipe dream, but bear with me. I think this is a win-win for everybody.

Next year, on August 24, 2013, I turn 40. I know that's not a huge deal for everybody, but dammit, I'm making it a huge deal and I'm fully intent on not letting this significant milestone pass without at least a little bit of flair. And I really hope that you'll come over and help me ring it in.

First off, a little bit about me. I'm married with two really cool kids. My wife, Kelley, is a dream wife. Really. She's just a peach. And my kids Emily (age 3...almost) and Liam (7 months)  combine to really give me everything that I could ever want in a family. As of this writing, I'm unemployed, but that's a recent development, and I'm not planning on keeping that as my status for very long. Kelley works for the State of California Department of Fish and Game, and she's been a State employee for quite a while. We're your average, stable, happy Californian family of four.

I'm extending this invitation to you for several reasons:

Firstly, I dig you, and I dig your style. I don't see you as a massive ego, id-sucking, narcissistic and self-serving windbag like so many other folks in politics are. Sure, folks are going to disagree with me. (I mean, hell, this is politics. Someone, somewhere, and somehow, is going to hate you. You could be the chairman of the BACON party, and someone out there would still try and convince us that bacon is not awesome.) (Which, for the record, it is. And there will be plenty of bacon at my birthday party. Just in case you were wondering.) You've definitely got some "Average Joe" kind of qualities about you, which I appreciate. It all goes back to that old adage that sometimes, the only thing people want when it comes to who gets their vote, is the dude that they'd rather invite to their barbecue. Well here I am, Jerry. Inviting you to my barbecue.

Secondly, by the time next year rolls around you'll be tapering off your long and storied career in public service. You'll be putting the finishing touches on what will go down as one of the most noble, entertaining, and epic lifetimes in the public eye. Now it's not like I'm saying that now is the time to unroll your sleeves and kick back while you ride out the rest of your days up there in the Master Suite. Far from it. There's still work to be done, and you and I both know it. I don't get the impression that you're winding anything down at all. What I'm saying is that I'm absolutely positive that you have always wanted to roll up on one of your constituent's barbecue parties, roll down the tinted windows and say, "Hey! Do I smell short ribs?" (Because I'm telling you, man. I make some badass short ribs.) Hell, if you want a turn on the grill, I'll even give you a turn on the grill. I'll save an apron for you. I know this sounds disingenuous, but I'm serious. I'm inviting you to my 40th birthday party in part because YOU WANT TO BE HERE ANYWAY. AmIright?

Thirdly, and I know this is a bit of a stretch, but if you show up, I know that lots of other folks will show up too. Why do I know that? Well, yeah. Uh, this is the hard part, but it's too late to take this stuff back now.

The thing is, Jerry...I already told them that you're coming.

Now don't get me wrong. I didn't do this to manipulate you into showing up. It's just, you know, it was late, I'd had a few beers (but only in moderation, mind you...), lack of sleep from a few consecutive sleepless nights thanks to the kids, and whatnot and I kinda just said it. I didn't think about it. I just said it. I said something to the effect of, "No, totally. I already got off the phone with someone from his office and Jerry Brown has definitely committed to come to my birthday party next year." And then everyone called me a liar. It was really awkward. But then they all believed me and they all started getting really excited. People are really excited that you're coming to my party, Jerry. So yeah, I apologize for that, but the damage is done.

So here's what I can promise you, Jerry.

This will be a clean event. Most of our friends are young, middle-class professional types. In fact, the majority of them are probably college-educated State workers. Totally your type. While I can't guarantee that there won't be a single person there with a joint in their pocket (I mean, come on. This is California. Montel Friggin Williams is running a dispensary in our fair city. Sometimes I think I'm the only person out here that doesn't smoke weed.) I can guarantee you that you're not going to be rolling up on a party populated by weirdo tweakers huddling around a burn barrel while the kids play "Pin The Tail On Sleeping Drunk Uncle Leon" with a used hypo needle. It's just not going to be that kind of party.

There will be awesome food. Plenty of barbecued goods. Lots of baked goods. I'm even willing to bet that there will be some of the bounty of our beautiful California coastline. Like abalone. Have you ever had abalone ceviche? I mean SERIOUSLY. That shit is awesome.

There will be beer, both domestic and microbrew. There will also be wine. And maybe a little bit of single-malt scotch. If you want to call ahead with a favorite, I'll make sure that you have it on hand. My wife also makes this really good herb and citrus-infused icewater thing that is TO. DIE. FOR. Very refreshing on a late August afternoon.

So what do you say, Jerry? Can I count you in? We'll be doing this on our street (don't worry. I'll get a permit) in the Pocket area. My address is <REDACTED>, Sacramento, CA  95831. If you need to call ahead for directions, my phone number is (916) 290-<REDACTED>.

Please RSVP so I can save you a bratwurst.

Most Sincerely Yours,

Pete Barker

PS-I know that the person reading this is probably one of Jerry's Aides. Hey, I'm asking the Governor to come to my birthday party, but I'm not naive. All I'm asking is that you pitch it to him.Pitch it to him in the most convincing way possible. I'm counting on you, here.